friendships in our 20's

growing together (or apart)

Hello everyone, happy Sunday!

I want to start this week's newsletter by saying that I've been thinking about bringing you this topic for a long time. I already talked about it in November 2023, but as it's a topic I've been thinking about a lot in recent weeks, I decided to bring you another one. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank C and I for the help and insights they gave me on this topic. We met almost eight years ago, in our first year of college, and we've been friends ever since.

I wrote almost two years ago that friendships in our 20’s are, to say the least, strange. There are those who are finishing their studies, those who are working, those who already live with their boyfriend, those who have pets in common, those who are married and those who are still single and living with their parents.

If, during the school years, it is quite easy to create and have friendships, the same no longer applies to friendships in adulthood - at least, in my opinion. It's easy to stay in touch when we're together practically every day, but it becomes complicated when everyone is in their own lives. The fact that almost everyone, at least in my group of friends, is at different stages in life does not help with constant encounters.

One of the things my friends and I agree on is that friendships in our 20’s require effort and dedication.

The fact that time and availability are no longer the same requires that everyone, in a group of friends, make an effort so that they can be together. In my specific case, after finishing my master's degree I returned home and most of my college friends remained in Lisbon - I live a two-hour drive away from Lisbon, which makes our meetings less regular.

I admit that, in this specific group of mine, which includes C and I, I have not been the one who makes the most effort to be together. My anxiety conditions me a lot and the truth is that I don't feel in a good mental space to be good company for someone - and this applies to all my groups of friends. I know it's something I have to improve, and I want to improve, and I confess here that it's one of my goals for 2025 - to spend more time with my friends (and make the effort to make that happen).

Another thing that my friends and I agree on is that there are different levels of friendship, with different people, and that sometimes it is difficult to find our people - those who share interests with us and who would be there for everything and anything and with whom we share everything in our lives.

The different levels of friendship mean that we can have several friends, and consider them friends, but not share the same with everyone. There are occasional friends, friends who will be at our wedding, friends who grew up with us, friends we met in our adult lives. With some I can share more personal things about my life, with others I can share only good moments of joy, with others I can share more superficial things - I'm not less friends with some just because I don't share as much with them.

As for how difficult it is to find our people, I'm referring to those people with whom we immediately feel an instant connection and with whom we can't imagine living our lives without. Those who share the same interests as us and life too. C even joked that now she has a lot of people she knows joining running clubs and that she finds it strange to be friends with people who run - coincidentally, a lot of people I know have also joined running clubs. To be honest, it's not an activity that I enjoy very much, but I understand that it's also an easier way to connect with people with the same interest and make new friends who enjoy the same thing.

I really admire the friendships that are created at an early stage in life and continue until the end of it. I had friends in high school who I thought would be forever and, unfortunately, we ended up growing apart - I don't even know why and I'm really sorry for that.

But I think it's also normal for people to grow and change and, with them, friendships change as well.

Which brings me to one of the critical points of this whole topic for me: making new friends in our 20's. Is it just me or is it extremely difficult to make new friends now that we are older?

I know that as adults it will be easier to make friends either at work or through friends or through a boyfriend/girlfriend. But at work, they are often more colleagues than friends, and the friends of the person we are with, in a break-up situation, continue to be the friends of the people we are with…

Since I'm not working yet and I'm not dating, my only opportunities to make friends are through my friends or going out. I'm an extremely introverted person and I don't love crowded environments, so I almost never go out - my friends' birthdays, or mine, are the exceptions. I honestly feel like I have few options. Do you have any suggestions on how to make friends more easily? I accept suggestions.

Because we are at very different stages in life, sometimes it feels like I'm losing the friends I have. Friendship are not unilateral and, as I have already said here, it takes effort on both sides to maintain them. However, sometimes I feel like it's always me making the most effort, sending the message first, worrying and wanting to know more and I feel unmotivated to continue "insisting". I also know that I always have to try to be better and keep trying, but sometimes it gets difficult. I don't know if this has ever happened to you or if I'm alone in these situations, but let me know in the comments!

Finally, one of the last things I talked about with my friends was the fact that people reveal themselves when they become adults. This is in the sense that we start making important and difficult decisions when we become adults and, often, we show sides of ourselves that our friends didn't know and that they may not like, and vice versa. And then it's up to us to decide whether we want to continue being close to people with certain values ​​and ideals or whether we move forward without them.

This is a topic that has been on my mind and that I think about a lot and often.

I really believe that "there is a seat waiting for you at tables you haven't even seen" and that we always have time to make new friends and friendships - every day is a new opportunity. After all, life is full of surprises.

Thank you for being on that side!

See you next week,

Carlota <3